It’s time for me to come out.
No, I’m not coming out as a lesbian (sorry ladies, I know I’m letting a lot of you down). I remain (as I once saw someone say in a letter to the Adventist Review) an “avid heterosexual,” happily married to a wonderful man, and mother of the world’s cutest, smartest, and loudest children.
But it’s Pride Week here in St. John’s, and it’s time for me to come out of the closet (a very small closet — there aren’t that many of us in here) and declare that I am a Bible-believing, evangelical, Jesus-loving Seventh-day Adventist Christian who doesn’t think it’s a sin to be gay. Or even for two gay people to marry.
Whew. That’s out. Happy Pride Week, everyone.
The problem with making a statement like this is that I know so many people on both sides of this great divide will be annoyed with me. (And incidentally, why is it THE Great Divide in Christianity today? How did this single issue acquire such weight that it becomes the defining question to decide whether you’re an uptight, Bible banging conservative or a godless, next-best-thing-to-a-heathen liberal?)
Sorry, tangent. Back to me annoying people.
I’m pretty sure that my more gay-friendly friends (not to mention my actual gay friends) wonder why I still cling to a church and a brand of Christianity that fails to accept and affirm people no matter what their sexuality. Why I don’t I speak out more loudly, or better yet abandon conservative Chrisitianity altogether.
Meanwhile, the conservative Christians I know and love — including many of my family and friends — wonder how I can so blantantly ignore what the Bible clearly teaches about homosexuality.
I’ll take those objections in reverse order. Believe me, I have studied my Bible on this issue. Backwards, forwards and inside-out. I have read the opinions of writers, thinkers and theologians arguing both sides of the question. Mostly, I emerge from this study amazed how much certainty other people can drum up. Reading the six Bible texts that mention same-sex relations — reading them in the context of the whole Bible – has left me with more questions than answers, more doubt than certainty.
What has shaped my thinking on this issue is not theology or theory, but faces and voices. The faces and voices of the many gay Christian friends I’ve had over the years — going right back to my first year at a Seventh-day Adventist college. It was instantly clear to me that these were not hedonistic pleasure lovers “choosing” a lifestyle — these were people struggling with the fact that the desires they were born with were, apparently, sinful and wrong. Struggling to believe they were loved and accepted by God when everyone told them they were unlovely and unacceptable. Doing everything they could — begging God in prayer — to change their orientation, and wondering why God refused to answer that prayer.
If you are a Christian who firmly believes it’s a sin to be gay, and you’ve never had any gay or lesbian friends, I challenge you to read Mel White’s book Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America and emerge with your views unchallenged and unchanged. It may not change your beliefs but it will certainly shake your preconceptions and broaden your perception.
The pride flag decorating this entry is similar to one that hangs in the backyard of some neighbours of mine. Like most city people I don’t know my neighbours as well as I should. I know these two women well enough to know that they are good people, active in the community, caring and volunteering. They like to play Frisbee and have backyard barbecues. And they live together and love each other and share their lives much the same way Jason and I do.
In the end, I think it’s Jesus’ words “By their fruits ye shall know them” that have swayed me. In most cases, it seems clear to me that the fruit of following God’s law is a happier, more stable, more successful life. The only fruit I’ve seen from the “law” that same-sex relationships are a sin, is pain, loneliness, frustration and self-hatred. The “fruit” produced by Christians who are opposed to same-sex relationships is too often condemnation and hatred, whereas true Christlike love is being shown in those godless liberal churches where same-sex couples can go and sit in the pew together and praise the Lord.
That being said, let’s go back to the earlier objection: believing as I do, why do I continue belonging to a church that will never share my views? Why don’t I just go to one of those godless liberal churches where I can worship next to gays and lesbians and we can all join hands and sing Kum Ba Yah?
My answer to that is not very rational or logical. It’s simply that I cannot stop being a Seventh-day Adventist Christian anymore than I can stop being a Newfoundlander or being a member of the Morgan family or being tall. It’s who I am.
Sometimes I remind myself of the woman in an Andrew Greeley novel whose life has been terribly blighted by the Catholic church’s policy on divorce and annulment and remarriage. Someone asks her if she’s ever considered leaving the church and she says no. “It may not be much of a church,” she says, “but it’s the only one I’ve got.”
That’s how I feel. My pew may not always be a comfortable seat, but it is mine. The distinctive doctrines of the SDA church that are essential to my spiritual life are ones I can’t find anywhere else; more than that, my church is part of my blood and bones and DNA.
In this pew where I sit, I may not always sit as quietly and behave myself as well as the other members would like. I try to learn the art of gracious disagreement, especially on this issue of same-sex relationships. I would feel entirely overwhelmed at this prospect if I didn’t have the example of someone like Carrol Grady, who has been an inspiration to me as a faithful Seventh-day Adventist who has been vocal within the church in speaking out for better treatment for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.
Maybe I’ll never be Carrol Grady, but I will go on being Trudy Morgan-Cole — out of the closet and wearing my colours with pride. And balancing that “pride” with the humility to keep asking God for guidance.
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23 Comments
July 25, 2007 at 12:18 pm
This post reminds me of some of the anti-Catholic Victorian novels I’ve read in which it is deemed a sin to alter one’s religion – i.e. the one in which God has placed you. It’s such a counter-intuitive idea to our modern ears, and of course it can be taken too far (and sits most uncomfortably alongside the Christian missionary impulse), but I think we have much to learn from it. There is something to be said for learning to live in community with the people we’ve got, as they are, whether or not we agree on every principle.
July 25, 2007 at 1:07 pm
That was a strong, intelligent, well written article. (Calling it a “post” doesn’t do it justice.)
But that doesn’t impress me… for I’ve come to expect such well-written observations from you. That’s why I subscribed to your RSS when I stumbled up on your blog even though I don’t know you.
I am, however, impressed at your conviction to live with the contention of both sides of this issue. You are willing, and determined, to choose your tolerances. Even though you are committed to your religion, you are not blindly accepting the interpretations of others and the principles of your religion that are based on them.
I have known some very intelligent folks in my day who are committed to their faith. I respect that. However, some of them are close-minded. Any variance from their teachings and preachings are intolerable, wrong, and will surely spell your eternal demise.
Good on ya, Trudy.
July 25, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Hear, hear! You have expressed so eloquently a view I have struggled with for many years in my church. I realize I shock a lot of my conservative church friends with my nonjudgmental views about gays, but I’ll always stand by them with love and pride.
July 25, 2007 at 9:09 pm
AMEN!
July 31, 2007 at 1:48 am
I like what you had to say about “by their fruits”…because the church’s stance on gay people has caused nothing but heartache, not only for those who are gay, but for their families as well.
Even though I’ve lost my faith and no longer consider myself Adventist or Christian (did I say that out loud?!), I understand completely what you mean about remaining Adventist because it is who you are. There are some things that remain a core part of us, whether that is being Adventist, being gay, being Agnostic, being straight, being kind,…the list could go on…
You know my thoughts on the issue, and so probably know how much I appreciate this particular entry. Thanks for posting it.
August 4, 2007 at 11:58 am
Thanks for the article…this is something I’ve struggled with for years now…that is, where I stand and what I believe. I’ve still got my doubts, but I certainly am leaning towards your position.
August 4, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Dear Trudy,
Thank you for being willing to share your support for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, fathers and mothers. Thank you for being willing to work within the church to help educate and inform those who have never had a reason to recognize or question their prejudices. Having a friend or family member who is gay can raise questions you never thought of before, huh?
I just came back from Kinship (non-official gay SDA support group) Kampmeeting in San Francisco (it’s held in a different location every summer), where I have a big concentration of some of my best friends. I’ll tell you, you’ve never worshipped until you worship with a group of gay and lesbian Adventists who have suffered and bled for their faith! The singing is out of the world! The communion service on Friday evening may be the only one many can attend all year. I just wish some of our church leaders could be a mouse in a corner. It would change their lives.
Let’s keep on being like the drops of water that eventually wear away a huge stone!
Love,
Carrol Grady
August 5, 2007 at 10:55 pm
I’m glad I was directed to your post by a person I’ve never met yet consider her a friend, Carrol Grady. You make excellent points and I agree with you. Just yesterday at Sabbath School I was speaking with a friend about Leviticus. (Ugh). How I don’t see that we have the right as a church to pick and choose which of those laws we want to follow. I think you know all of the ones I’m thinking about. Any way I’ll be book marking your website!
August 9, 2007 at 11:33 am
Trudy,
First of all I want to say how nice it was to come across the pride post on your blog. It’s not often you find a fellow Adventist willing to voice their opinions on homosexuality.
You were right in saying that most Seventh-Day Adventist, or rather, most Christians in general, don’t realize the struggles of growing up gay or lesbian in the Adventist/Christian faith.
It’s can be very hard, especially since there are so many things running through your head. Not only is it difficult for one to come to terms with being gay, but you also have to deal with the where you stand in regards to your beliefs, and what you’ve been brought up to believe.
In time, as you mature, and fully understand who you are, you eventually find a happy medium between your sexuality and your beliefs. I personally don’t feel it is wrong to be gay or lesbian, or to be in a committed relationship with a person of the same sex. My Mother tells me it’s wrong of me to be seeing my boyfriend, and that God does not condone it. I just can’t see her logic. I don’t understand why God would “hate” me because I’ve been in a loving committed relationship with another man for the last two years. Which in turn, causes me to rethink the teachings I’ve been brought up to believe.
You mentioned there are only 6 verses in the bible referring to same-sex relations. They are all written in the context of the time and circumstances in which they were written. You have to take that into consideration when you are reading them. If one believes homosexuality is wrong solely based on these verses alone, then they might as well believe that women should not be aloud to participate in church services while they are menstruating, because the 3-4 verses in the bible that speak of that say it is so.
The biggest fear for me before I came out was the thought that if people found out then I would be rejected and would lose everything I’ve ever known. If you think about it, if you’ve been raised Adventist, it becomes a big part of your life. More often than not, I found myself pushing my Adventist friends and family away. I guess it is sometimes easier to push people away instead of having them reject you? At least then, you can control the situation.
From time to time I get asked “Don’t you wish you had a better spiritual relationship with God”, or “Don’t you miss the church?”
I simply answer, “Yes”. Of course I wish I had a better spiritual relationship with God. Doesn’t every Christian? It’s foolish to think that you’re relationship with Christ is perfect, but my being gay doesn’t mean I don’t have a personal relationship with God. That’s a very big misconception most people have, even gay and lesbian individuals. Of course I miss the church as well. It’s all I knew growing up. It’s a part of me, and something I’ll never forget.
Sometimes it hurts, I miss that part of my life, miss the warmth and friendship of my Adventist friends. Unfortunately, I’ve been hurt, and burned many times by some of my Adventist peers, and it’s really sad to think that one would have to experience that.
As I’m writing my reply, I realize how much time has past since I first stumbled across your post this morning, and realize how much time I’ve spent thinking about it.
Perhaps you’ll see me at church sometime soon. I’d love to go more often, but certain people have made me feel unwelcome. We’ll see.
I hope all is well.
God Bless
Matthew,
August 9, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Thanks for all the comments everyone. It’s kind of a relief to only get posts from people who agree with me although I wouldn’t mind some disagreeing posts too.
I really appreciate everyone’s comments but to make a few specific replies: Jamie, thanks. Carrol, as I said in the post itself, you have been an inspiration to me. Matthew, there were several people I hoped would find this post and you were top of the list. I totally understand what you mean about people in church making you feel unwelcome, but if I ever DO see you in church you will get a big welcome from me.
December 25, 2007 at 7:24 pm
amen!
Totally agree with your well crafted words here.
February 23, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Hi Trudy,
Really don’t want to see my comments in print, but bless you, bless you, bless you! Stumbled across your blog while looking for something I didn’t find 3 Sabbaths ago, and realized that I had read a couple of your books. When your Aunty Ruth was a student at OMC, we were friends. Your writing reminds me of her delicious sense of irony.
Last July, my precious 41 year old son died after a 13 year battle with AIDS. My local Adventist church does know what to say to me, so when I go to church I feel invisible. (They can’t talk about the resurrection, because they are convinced that my son won’t be part of it.) So I have stopped going to church – too many sermons on the 144,000 or the evils of eating chocolate and eggs as well as homophobia. Sabbaths are my self-indulgent time on the internet. (I’m rationing myself to a few of your old blogs each time) Today I came across the above – thanks for what you said – in my religous community it would be an act of incredible bravery to “come out” as gay friendly. Just after I learned my son was gay (he told a friend, who told a friend who told a teacher and he was expelled from Kingsway), I thought that if I ever wrote about the experience, I’d have to call it, “Into the Closet”. Hugs to you. Glenda
February 23, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Thanks for sharing those thoughts, Glenda, and your experience. It really means a lot.
March 28, 2009 at 10:12 pm
“It’s kind of a relief to only get posts from people who agree with me although I wouldn’t mind some disagreeing posts too.”
Yeah… I’ve heard THAT before!
Okay, here’s that dissident opinion you were wanting, albeit two years late. I don’t know what Bible you’re reading, girl, but it isn’t the one God inspired, I can tell you that. However, there is ample warning in scripture that men (and women, apparently) would follow their own wisdom and seducing spirits. I guess one tends to take such statements for granted until they actually see what’s believed, out there.
Your play on words is very good… it isn’t a sin to be gay; BORN gay, that is, no more than it’s a sin to be born with a tendency toward Kleptomania or adultery. The crisis comes when you ACT upon those tendencies or suggestions. Yes, you don’t want to leave Satan out of this mix, he’s alive and well, you know… or is he even passe, by now?
Gay marriage is okay, too, IF both participants are of opposite sex AND celibate. Rather pointless, but okay.
The race is contaminated by sin. It really isn’t that hard to grasp. We don’t behave the way God originally made us to, because we are flawed from what happened to us when Adam sinned. I can’t tell you exactly what happened, but something did… something significant enough to change our character so completely as to be unrecognizable from the original, and needing intercession.
I don’t hate gays or condemn them. The Word condemns the action, not the person, but both will be condemned if actions are encouraged and implemented. If people wish to be accepted into the fellowship of conservative churches, then they need to keep silent about their orientation, and live celibate. God will accept them where many believers will not, if they do this. If they persist in disobedience, then God is constrained to act in judgment. That’s the Word, not my opinion.
And, you know, it’s only fair. After all, many gays look down on criminals for the crimes that they do, just like there are many zealous believers that condemn gays. Both are wrong, of course, in passing judgment on inherited tendencies… or even learned tendencies, done in ignorance. But, we have a right as believers to condemn sinful PRACTICES, and homosexuality is a sin when practiced.
Sure, there needs to be more acceptance on the part of “God’s chosen ones” toward the sin-sick, but that only goes so far. Anyone who WILLFULLY disobeys God’s laws deserves NO respect! I see a lot of willful disobedience, these days, and guilt-trips laid upon those that rightfully interpret the law of God. That doesn’t wash with me, and I’m not bullied by it or it’s proponents. I call it the way it’s presented, and it’s walking a slippery slope patting sick people on the head and telling them they’re okay, when they’re not.
This isn’t the time in our history to be preaching “smooth things.”
March 28, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I need to clarify something; my statement about it not being a sin to be born gay… actually, it is a sin, we are all sinners just by being born. We all need that intercessory action by Christ, AND His indwelling Spirit to even be acceptable before a righteous God.
I guess the point I wanted to make was that condemnation by reason of orientation is wrong if it is implemented for the purpose of hurting someone, other than admonishment. Naturally, one must be taught to conform if he/she is to be saved from death, which is what happens to sinners, eventually.
You’re not helping anyone by condoning their sin, and we ALL sin. However, we must and we can overcome… by God’s power… which, if asked for, and in His time, is sufficient to accomplish. Human nature doesn’t see results fast enough, but any sincere prayer is heard, and acted upon, if the soul that utters it is in dire need.
March 29, 2009 at 10:30 am
Highwayman, thanks for your comments. It’s too bad you didn’t find this post when it was a bit fresher, as your views (which of course are shared by many of my friends, and almost everyone I go to church with) might have provoked a livelier debate.
Of course your arguments are quite familiar to me, having wrestled with this issue over so many years. While I no longer agree with them, I have the greatest respect for them.
Without taking up all your points here (since the post is so old, and it’s unlikely to stimulate a lively conversation) I will say that my main problem with the argument that homosexuality is a sin people are inclined to like any other, is that God seems to have such a bad track record of helping people overcome this particular sin. Why do we meet so many successful former addicts and former sinners of every stripe, but almost no long-term, successful “former gays” — unless to hear in the news or by the grapevine a year or two later that they have “fallen” and brought disrepute upon a church or a ministry they were involved with. That was the reflection that drove me to thinking there may be more to the labelling of homosexual orientation as “sin” than meets the eye.
But again, thank you for posting.
March 29, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Trudy… the reason that you do not meet any “former” homosexuals is because there aren’t any, just as there are no “former” alcoholics, perverts, etc. It is a life sentence – all one can do is manage themselves, and that through the Spirit’s help. There are always set-backs, just as with “straight” people having to manage their own unique problems, whether it be anger, avarice, or whatever. Like I said in my last comment, yours (ours) and God’s expectations are always different, and we often think He doesn’t move as far or fast enough as He should.
Your concerns seem to be more along the lines of how they are received and/or treated by the congregation, which, I agree, is abysmal, but that is a result of not understanding the difference between willful and unintentional, unrepentant sin. All, of course, is sin, and that’s why the sanctifying presence of the Spirit is so vital. The Spirit’s role in salvation is always overlooked, it’s just Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Christ has a definite role in the process, and the Three ARE One, but it is the Spirit that works directly with us in character modification.
Anyway, not to resurrect old controversies, and you want to close this thread, but, in leaving, I would add that it is foretold that the last days will bring many specious and “seducing” theories, and I would caution you that those are tailor-made for each and every one of us, and that they would not be the threat that they are told to be if they did not contain some significant level of subtlety. The church errs in that it has a lousy record for helping gays, but it doesn’t err in calling sin what it is. And, we don’t help anyone overcome anything… THAT is the Spirit’s prerogative, and all one needs to do to overcome is to allow the Spirit access to their life – that’s it! He (the Spirit) will do what needs to be done in His time, not yours or mine.
What is needed is a clearly defined definition of roles, and things will be a lot better for all concerned.
In my opinion.
March 29, 2009 at 1:59 pm
“Your concerns seem to be more along the lines of how they are received and/or treated by the congregation, which, I agree, is abysmal, but that is a result of not understanding the difference between willful and unintentional, unrepentant sin.”
Sorry… that should have read “repentant” not “unrepentant”.
March 29, 2009 at 3:12 pm
No, I don’t want to close the thread, I just don’t think there’ll be much new interest other than from the two of us, since no-one else is likely to find it.
Your opinion really sounds very similar to what I believed for many years, but simply could not sustain that belief any longer in the face of what I was seeing happening in the lives of people I knew.
I hope you take up my challenge to read Mel White’s book.
March 29, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I don’t do challenges, but I’ll always take advice. I’ll read anything, but there’s no refuting what is plainly stated in the Gospel. Otherwise, why do we bother with faith at all? I am constantly critiqued by atheists for believing in a book that seems to get chipped away at with every day that passes. There has to be a line drawn somewhere.
I’m thinking that, with you, as with many others, (and myself, in quiet and reflective moments) the realization of what it means to lose a soul for eternity really hits home. One rebels at the thought that ANYONE really could be lost… it’s just too horrible a thought to entertain for very long! Nevertheless, emotions aside, it is a reality, and it’s also a reality that it’s the individual that makes the choice to refuse eternal life, not God.
I understand your empathy for those that you see suffering… BUT… we, as errant and fallible human beings, do not see all that there is to see in every case.
It’s easy to understand why someone who, by society’s standards, is very evil and malevolent toward his/her fellow human beings, would end up lost forever. We do not see, however, what God sees, and how offensive sin is to Him. We do not, ourselves, understand it’s true malignancy, or even how much it impacts us. This is the crux of the matter with a religion like ours, in that faith – the belief in those things that we cannot see or verify – plays such a significant role in our salvation.
You say that God doesn’t work fast or openly enough… well, why doesn’t He just stop everything in it’s tracks, and end all of this foolishness right now, not just heal gays? Why didn’t he just prevent Adam from doing what he did, and save all of his progeny from the horrors that followed?
Everyone must make their own choices, and learn for themselves what it is to trust in God’s power and concern for them. I don’t have all of the answers, but I think that we can have a lot more answers than we might wish to. Sure, it can be sad to watch others struggle, but perhaps there is a need for them to struggle if they are to learn the trust and faith that they need to survive. It’s easy for us to judge God, not knowing the end from the beginning. Even Christ’s disciples didn’t comprehend what He was trying to do, and Gethsemane was the proof that He was a very lonely and misunderstood ‘man’.
Satan has the luxury of working with character that naturally bends toward his suggestiveness. God doesn’t. He has to work with character that is naturally opposed to Him and His precepts.
Anyway, I’ve said enough. This is usually the place where my welcome runs out, so I’ll leave that to you, and if I happen to run across this author’s work, I’ll look at it.
I hope I haven’t muddled things up more for you… unless, of course, it leads to better understanding.
Highway
March 29, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Do read the book if you get a chance … as I said in the post, I don’t think it’ll change your views, but it’s an interesting perspective to add.
And my question wasn’t so much why God doesn’t work “faster” to save us from sin, but why one particular “sin” seems so intractable and difficult for Him to work with (although, granting for a moment your belief that homosexuality is a sin, I think there are others just as deep-rooted and more obviously offensive to God, like selfishness and anger).
March 30, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I understand your empathy for those that you see suffering… BUT… we, as errant and fallible human beings, do not see all that there is to see in every case.
Indeed…and maybe all sorts of errant and fallible human beings are wrong about a lot more than we are willing to admit.
I have noticed that talk of errant and fallible human beings seems directed outwards, though…in this case as if those who think that women wearing pants is okay are errant, and those who think it’s wrong are always correct.
Oops…did I say women wearing pants’? I meant ‘homosexuality’. Sometimes I get my abominations mixed up.
March 30, 2009 at 9:27 pm
I’m wearing pants OF MIXED FIBRES at this very moment … double abomination.